I've been itching to blog again...
So what exactly has deterred me from writing for so long? I can't exactly say. Life, perhaps. But I think the most accurate reason is that I allowed certain negative aspects of life to get in the way. I allowed certain individuals to get under my skin. In doing so, it launched me into a downward spiral of inner turmoil. No one but those closest to me saw how these actions affected me. Reason being, I continued as business as usual in the outside world. But when I arrived home, I retreated into my bedroom and close myself off in my own little world.
Like a phoenix rising from the ashes...
There were two instances in the past 18 months that finally gave me that urge to pick myself up from my boot straps and reclaim myself. Not to return to the woman I once was, but rather a new and improved version.
* Quitting My Job- Although I loved what I did, I was being suffocated by my manager. Imagine yourself driving to work and dreading what you would find there. Would this woman be moody? Imagine coming in each day with a smile on your face and brimming with an optimistic attitude and having someone crush any sense of positivity from you? I know her home life was difficult and I sympathized with her. But when it comes to work, you leave your personal life at the door and come in to get your work done. It was not only difficult working in that sort of stormy enviornment, but the scattered nature of how she delegated task made it difficult to seem like you've accomplished anything. The last straw was on a particularly trying day she chastised, ridiculed, and reprimanded me for the actions of another employee. This person had missed major deadlines and instead of bringing it to her attention she blamed me. I calmly told her she had the wrong person. She blew up in the middle of the office floor. And that my friends, was the day I walked out. I met with the president and told him there is no way I can continue under his manager's direction. He too, knew about the issues in her home life and was sorry to see me go.
When I walked away I felt an overwhelming sense of relief! As though this huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. Eight months later, I received a call from the president letting me know he had let the manager go, would I like my job back.
* Finally Said No - The second instance I needed in order to renew myself wasn't as easy. I have always been a people pleaser. I've never wanted to cause waves. I've always swallowed my disappointment especially with family and would rather take their negative behavior without holding them accountable than stand my ground and tell them "Hey, this is disrespectful to me!" That all came to a halt this past June. A fun-filled week of festivities were carefully planned out and schedules were created months in advance. Three days prior to the first event, C's graduation, the one person who I thought would NEVER make him feel unimportant did just that. Better plans with "friends" came up, and she said, "Boys don't care about graduations. And its just middle school anyway. Besides I need to do ME." I was disappointed and told her these plans have been set in stone for months. But if that wasn't enough, she said "wel, I will attend C's graduation, if you let me borrow your car". That was never the plan. I told her I couldn't do that. I need my car to get around. I need my car to get to work. You will only attend C's graduation if you get something in return? I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
I said No.
That didn't sit well with her. Neither did the fact that L and myself told her C was looking forward to her attending his graduation. She didn't care. That wasn't what she wanted to do. And more importantly, how DARE I tell her no. In her mind I was being disrespectful for telling her she could not have my vehicle for 5 days. No care for the fact that this would leave me stranded at home with no way to get to work. She then said "its a minor inconvenience, you can make other arrangements". So this wasn't a request but more so a demand for my vehicle. I'm sorry, but No, that can't be done. I was then told "HONOR THY MOTHER". I stood my ground. It isn't feasable for me to let you borrow my car. This led to her bad mouthing me (and my brother who had his own set of let downs from her which he pointed out to her) to anyone and everyone she could contact. I didn't give her my car as she demanded, therefore I would feel her wrath.
I thought after that turmulteous exchange that I would feel guilty or depressed. But I felt neither. I felt a sense of relief. After a lifetime of doing exactly as I was told if not I would be deemed as bad, I felt cleansed. My heart felt at peace. I was finally, after 44 years, was standing up for myself. I was finally standing up for what is right. My children's feelings are important. My family's needs are important. My own sense of mental well being is important. The whole ordeal left me with a sense of pride in myself. I went on to enjoy the week's festivites with exhiliarating happiness. Did I miss not having my mom there? Of course, you want your parents to share in your joys. But I didn't want anyone to share in these life events if A) they felt as though they were being forced to be there or B) they were there only because they were getting something in return (in this case, my car).
Its funny how we don't realize our constant need to please others can be damaging to our soul. Whether it be a coworker or a parent, we must stand up for what we feel is right. A person will continue disrespecting you until you stand up for yourself. Finding that voice has given me my sense of absolute joy again.
Like a Phoenix rising, like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, like the sun rising.... I too have a sense of renewal.