Friday, August 4, 2017

I'm Back....

I've been itching to blog again...

So what exactly has deterred me from writing for so long?  I can't exactly say.  Life, perhaps.  But I think the most accurate reason is that I allowed certain negative aspects of life to get in the way. I allowed certain individuals to get under my skin.  In doing so, it launched me into a downward spiral of inner turmoil.  No one but those closest to me saw how these actions affected me.  Reason being, I continued as business as usual in the outside world.  But when I arrived home, I retreated into my bedroom and close myself off in my own little world. 

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes...

There were two instances in the past 18 months that finally gave me that urge to pick myself up from my boot straps and reclaim myself.  Not to return to the woman I once was, but rather a new and improved version.

* Quitting My Job- Although I loved what I did, I was being suffocated by my manager.  Imagine yourself driving to work and dreading what you would find there.  Would this woman be moody?  Imagine coming in each day with a smile on your face and brimming with an optimistic attitude and having someone crush any sense of positivity from you?  I know her home life was difficult and I sympathized with her. But when it comes to work, you leave your personal life at the door and come in to get your work done.  It was not only difficult working in that sort of stormy enviornment, but the scattered nature of how she delegated task made it difficult to seem like you've accomplished anything.  The last straw was on a particularly trying day she chastised, ridiculed, and reprimanded me for the actions of another employee.  This person had missed major deadlines and instead of bringing it to her attention she blamed me.  I calmly told her she had the wrong person.  She blew up in the middle of the office floor.  And that my friends, was the day I walked out.  I met with the president and told him there is no way I can continue under his manager's direction.  He too, knew about the issues in her home life and was sorry to see me go. 

When I walked away I felt an overwhelming sense of relief!  As though this huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.  Eight months later, I received a call from the president letting me know he had let the manager go, would I like my job back.

* Finally Said No - The second instance I needed in order to renew myself wasn't as easy.  I have always been a people pleaser.  I've never wanted to cause waves.  I've always swallowed my disappointment especially with family and would rather take their negative behavior without holding them accountable than stand my ground and tell them "Hey, this is disrespectful to me!"  That all came to a halt this past June.  A fun-filled week of festivities were carefully planned out and schedules were created months in advance.  Three days prior to the first event, C's graduation, the one person who I thought would NEVER make him feel unimportant did just that.  Better plans with "friends" came up, and she said,  "Boys don't care about graduations.  And its just middle school anyway. Besides I need to do ME."  I was disappointed and told her these plans have been set in stone for months.  But if that wasn't enough, she said "wel, I will attend C's graduation, if you let me borrow your car".  That was never the plan.  I told her I couldn't do that.  I need my car to get around.   I need my car to get to work.  You will only attend C's graduation if you get something in return? I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

I said No.

That didn't sit well with her.  Neither did the fact that L and myself told her C was looking forward to her attending his graduation.  She didn't care.  That wasn't what she wanted to do.  And more importantly, how DARE I tell her no.  In her mind I was being disrespectful for telling her she could not have my vehicle for 5 days.  No care for the fact that this would leave me stranded at home with no way to get to work.  She then said "its a minor inconvenience, you can make other arrangements".  So this wasn't a request but more so a demand for my vehicle.  I'm sorry, but No, that can't be done.  I was then told "HONOR THY MOTHER".  I stood my ground.  It isn't feasable for me to let you borrow my car.  This led to her bad mouthing me (and my brother who had his own set of let downs from her which he pointed out to her) to anyone and everyone she could contact.  I didn't give her my car as she demanded, therefore I would feel her wrath.

I thought after that turmulteous exchange that I would feel guilty or depressed.  But I felt neither.  I felt a sense of relief.  After a lifetime of doing exactly as I was told if not I would be deemed as bad, I felt cleansed.  My heart felt at peace. I was finally, after 44 years, was standing up for myself.  I was finally standing up for what is right.  My children's feelings are important.  My family's needs are important.  My own sense of mental well being is important.  The whole ordeal left me with a sense of pride in myself.  I went on to enjoy the week's festivites with exhiliarating happiness.  Did I miss not having my mom there?  Of course, you want your parents to share in your joys.   But I didn't want anyone to share in these life events if A) they felt as though they were being forced to be there or B) they were there only because they were getting something in return (in this case, my car).

Its funny how we don't realize our constant need to please others can be damaging to our soul.  Whether it be a coworker or a parent, we must stand up for what we feel is right. A person will continue disrespecting you until you stand up for yourself.  Finding that voice has given me my sense of absolute joy again. 

Like a Phoenix rising, like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, like the sun rising.... I too have a sense of renewal.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

{ Wednesday Words of Wisdom }

A beautiful day begins with a beautiful mindset.
When you wake up, take a second to think about what a privilege 
it is to be alive & healthy.
The moment we start acting like life is a blessing
I assure you it will start to feel like one.
Time spent appreciating is time worth living. 
- unknown

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

{Tuesday Tidbits} Another Year Gone....

* It's hard to believe that another year is drawing to a close.
* Which means I will be one year from seeing Lil Diva graduate high school?!?  Is that even possible?
* The weather here in the northeast has been insane.  Christmas Day was 70 degrees.  We went to dinner and our traditional Christmas Eve events without even a sweater.  Hence, it didn't even feel like Christmas.
* Santa brought me a new laptop. Which makes me really excited, I can get back into my writing now that I have the time for it.   
* I am working on my list of New Years Resolutions.  What are some of yours?

Saturday, December 5, 2015

{Loving} Kat Von D Everlasting Lipstick

There is only one word to describe this lipstick..... AMAZING!

It took me a while to purchase Kat Von D's Everlasting lipstick.  Why?  The price.  You would think, spending $20 for a lip color shouldn't hold me back.  After all, I buy MAC lipsticks at $17.  This one is only a few dollars more right?  But here is my reason.  It's a liquid lipstick.  A MAC lipstick will last me quite a while, a liquid lipstick, will likely be gone in half the time.  Another reason, what if I didn't like the consistency?  What if it was dry? What about longevity?  But Lolita was just calling my name.  Finally, I just took the plunge.

My review:  The color goes on creamy.  Unlike many matte liquid lippies that give you little time to apply, this lippie takes a couple of minutes to dry to matte.  Which is great because with many other liquid matte lipsticks, it is very obvious the areas you've made corrections or filled in.  As far as wear, I literally only touch up once throughout the day.  I am able to drink coffee and eat and not have to worry that my lipstick is gone.  And the color is amazing.  Black Friday I purchased "Truth or Dare".  But there is a reason why "Lolita" does not stay on the shelves for long.  The color is simply amazing.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

{ Wednesday Words of Wisdom }

People who shine from within don't need a spotlight.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

{Tuesday Tidbits} Post Black Friday Thoughts

Black Friday seems to get earlier and earlier with each passing year!  This year was no exception. Most of the stores were open by 5pm on Thanksgiving Day.  It has to stink if you work retail and you are one of the unfortunate ones that is required  to work.  It seems that businesses are itching to get the Holiday season under way.

Lil Diva and I made plans to go out to the local shops after relaxing a bit from our food coma.  We headed out to Target, Kohls, and Old Navy.  We didn't need to be there when the doors open since we weren't in need of any of the doorbusters.  She was mostly shopping for herself.  I had saved some cash I received for my birthday and figured I would add things to my winter wardrobe.  I found the above two sweaters at an amazing price.  Both stores I purchased them from were having 40% off everything. We thought it was going to be outrageously crowded and were surprised to see how manageable the crowds were.  We went to all three stores and were back home before 9pm.  We went to bed and headed out to the mall at 5am. I picked up some LUSH products (not on sale) and some make up items at Sephora.  Again, the mall was so quiet.  

Since Lil Diva had to work, we didn't stay out long.  We went for breakfast at this new bagel shop that specializes in fancy bagels (think fruity pebbles,oreo and captain crunch bagels) and then stopped to get some last minute decorative items for the Christmas tree.  

Great part about Black Friday was I did manage to finish the majority of my Christmas shopping.  Just a few more names on my list to go!

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Weekend Highlights : {The Most Wonderful Time of the Year...again!}

*  Thanksgiving has come and gone.  We spent it quietly at home, the four of us plus Grandpa A.
*  Made a delicious pumpkin cheesecake for the first time.  Thankful for Pinterest!
* Can't believe that now I have my daughter as my Black Friday shopping partner.  Where did the time go?!
* Decided to change up the color scheme on the tree this year.... red, white and silver it is.
* I am 75% done with my Christmas shopping.
* Even though it was an emotional week, I am thankful for the series of events. Through reflection I realized when you are in constant contact with someone who sees the world negatively, you can't help but to slowly start doubting in the world and in part in those around you, even yourself.  Being a positive person, this was slowly draining me.  Everything happens for a reason. By Thursday, I started to see the bright cheery person in me who has been slowly disappearing without me noticing.  So thankful I was pulled away from a toxic environment.
* Looking forward to truly enjoying the holiday season!